


Hidden Thoughts and Teary Eyes

by guardianclover



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Angst, Blood, Depression, I Tried, Multi, Multiple Perspectives, Post-Sburb, Sadstuck, Self Harm, Suicide, Unrequited Love, headcanons, humankarkat, i tried at canon personalities, pretty much everyone makes an appearence, self hate, this has FEELS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-18 02:32:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guardianclover/pseuds/guardianclover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Beta Kids and Karkat have landed themselves on Jade's island as victors of the game Sburb. They've won their lives and maybe even a second chance. Unfortunately, Karkat feels the blame for the deaths of so many of his friends. A plan is made to save Karkat from himself, and maybe even everyone else in the process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Transformation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically how they got there and how Karkat became human. 
> 
> Nightmares and screams plague the shared house of John, Rose, Dave, Jade, and Karkat.

Your name is Karkat Vantas. 

You played a game called, “Sburb.” 

You are currently on Earth. 

You are from Alternia. 

You are a troll.

_Deep breath_

**_No_ **

You are

human.

It was made very clear that things would change the moment you stepped through that door, the door that brought your 4 human friends and yourself to Earth. Your first breath of Earthian air affected your horns. They shriveled and…. fell off. You keep them with you; a painful reminder of who you used to be. Every breath lightened and pinkened your skin until you looked…peachy. The next change however, nearly killed you. It happened a week after you arrived. Your bulge….well, John and Dave helped you through that. Your nails and teeth were next. Nails lightening, yellow hue turning pink. Your teeth remained shaped, but became immensely dull, like a human’s. The last and final change was your eyes. Your scleras turned white and your irises changed color. Bright red. Like Dave’s.

Your friends,

_Wince_

The trolls, are dead. All of them. English killed them in the final battle. Fortunately, you beat him, but at a price. Gone. They were all gone. Their ghosts spawned in the same place that they fell.

At the end, when the smoke cleared and the battle was over, you saw that only you and the humans remained.

Terezi came forward, eyes white and cheeks bright teal. “Go Karkat, this is your chance. Live on.”

……and they were gone.

The door took you to Jade’s island and Sburb created a home out of the human’s former houses. You’re lucky there was a spare room. The game also allowed the four to keep their god tier powers. You never tiered. You were a normal human with a bit of increased strength. That’s it. You could not fly, you could not manipulate anything. You were utterly pathetic.

They loved you though.

Your friends accepted your new…. _uh_ …body. You didn’t. You gave up. You couldn’t even try anymore. Your self-loathing reached a new level of extreme. You hated yourself, that game, and that you **survived**. Like a fucking _coward_. You weren’t brave enough. You weren’t **strong** enough. You should have thrown yourself in front of someone or attacked English head on. Then at least you could have died a noble death. But you didn’t, you watched them die before your eyes. _You did nothing._

Are nothing.

Worth Nothing.

_End of Prologue_

### 

**Chapter 1**

****

You've been on Earth for a month now. Jade and John provide the food, hunting and gathering fruit from around the island. You hang around at home with Dave and Rose.  


_**Oh** _

Rose. John told you that she has an earth illness; it was brought on by Kanaya’s death. Something called depression. It’s the non-game version of Grimdarkness. She barely leaves her room now. She was fine for the first few days here, but then, she started thinking about Kanaya. **Dead.** She was dead. Your best friend. The troll deaths hurt all of you. Terezi’s hurt you and Dave, but then he started dating Jade and things got better for him. You had to bear the death of Sollux _again_ , Aradia, and Gamzee. It’s not so much their turning into ghosts, it’s that…..dead, they couldn’t come back with you. Rose watched Kanaya die and rise as a ghost. Rose saw her love, her girlfriend, her _**one,**_ pass on. You will never forget the look on her face, or the way she screamed. Then again, you hear it every night now. You can all hear her reliving that memory in her dreams. The pure anguish and grief. Sometimes its words and sometimes it’s a name. One name. Everyone usually take turns going in and calming her down, except you. Never you, because you’re busy calming yourself down. You’re busy strangling your own screams and tears so the others don’t hear. You’re busy trying to stop the shaking in your body caused by your own dreams. **Dead.** Your friends are dead. 

You lived.

_**Failure.** _

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Your name is Karkat and you’ve changed. You barely swear anymore, not like you used to. Anger has fizzled its way out of you. For once, Karkat Vantas has been shut up. Barely talking, barely _feeling._

It’s another one of those nights.

The upside to being human is that you can cry without staining everything red. So, you take advantage of that. The hole in your blood pusher burned with the fire of the green sun. The nightmares were horrifying without the sopor you used to sleep with. Body of a human, mind of a troll. Figures in your respiteblock started to blur and you panted, trying to breathe. Tonight was particularly horrifying. A shriek echoed throughout the house. 

_Screaming and screaming._

You heard Jade’s transportalizer and knew she was going to Rose. The screaming stopped and barely audible sobs choked through your door. You wished someone would help you but at the same time, you didn’t. They think they understand why you’re quieter and meeker during the day, but they don’t know about the terrors in the night. How much worse it actually is. And you can’t tell them. No matter how much you want help, you can’t deny that _this_ is your fault. You survived; you are your own reminder. You don’t deserve help.

You pretend you are just mourning, but your armor is weakening, your insides are breaking. 

__  
**Weak...**  
  
_**and Broken...** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I tried to update the first two chapters to make it an easier read so hopefully it's a bit better than before. Please comment and critique, i'd love to hear what you think!
> 
> -clover


	2. Run, It's Adorabloodthirsty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rose makes an appearance and Karkat's overwhelming feelings do much more than just illicit a few tears from him at night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is supposed to show more of how they all live on a daily basis... and yes, Dave has apple juice. oh, and tumblr

“Good morning Karkat!” John greeted you in your doorway. Since you’ve been here, the nookwhiff has taken it upon himself to wake everyone up in the morning. **Every** morning. Except weekends that is. No matter how much you’ve changed lately, you are still grumpy in the morning.

“John. It’s barely fucking morning. You can’t even call it that. The sun just got up, shit, it hasn’t even rubbed its goddamned personified eyes yet!” you grumble at him, faking some of your old charm. Suddenly, your body starts to rise, a breeze winding around you. 

“Put. Me. Down. John. FUCKING! Egbert!” You land out of bed, on your feet and you barely register him talking. Something about going fruit picking. He stands in the doorway as you get dressed, jeans and a sweatshirt, waiting for an answer. He asked you a question; he asked if you would go with him again. Honestly you’ve been denying his offers since he flew you into a tree the second day here. Gentle he said, it will be safe he said. Asshat.

You tell him _no_ and he frowns, so you push past him to go downstairs to get some food. He grabs your shoulders and pulls you into a “bro-hug” _ew_

“Are you ok Karkat? You seem more tired than usual.” your best bro inquires. You want to tell him how bad it’s gotten, how much pain you’re in, but you can’t. The words burn at the edges of the hole in your chest as you tell him, “Yes Egbert, I’m fine” with as much exasperated sass as you could muster.

_**liar** _

_come on, you owe him more than that_

You sigh and quietly murmur to him, “It was just…a little loud last night…” 

He winced in understanding; you doubt anyone got much sleep last night.

You must have been convincing enough because he nodded, and moved on to wake up Dave. You marched down the stairs and into the kitchen. You haven’t been eating much lately so you just grabbed an apple and went to your computer. A little goes a long way and it doesn’t help that human food is nasty as fuck.

When you first got here, and started using the _human’s_ internet, you discovered a website called Tumblr. The people on this “blogging website”, there are so many who seem to feel the same way you do. _**Empty.**_ so you spend hours on it, slowly becoming more accustomed to human culture, all while drowning your feelings with mindless reblogging. Jade walked up to you a little after lunchtime. “Karkat! You should eat something, it’s past lunch already!” she smiles, gorgeous. You smirk and show her your apple core from this morning, never ceasing your façade. She sighs and sets a sandwich in front of you. “EAT!” she orders, and she storms back upstairs to check on Rose. You look at the sandwich and get up to put it in the fridge. Honestly, you’re just never all that hungry. Your mind chuckles hauntingly, _Karkat Vantas, the boy who doesn’t eat, sleep, or get off his lazy ass..._

_Or protect his friends_

You delve back into Tumblr, keeping a lid on all the hate and self-loathing trying to bubble its way up through your feelings barrier, and you sit for another two hours. John was still out on the island and Jade went hunting a little while ago. Dave was in the kitchen getting AJ and Rose was in her room doing who knows what. She barely comes out anymore, you see her twice a day tops, usually lunch and dinner. Then, she disappears back into her room. A dark place. She keeps her windows covered and her lights off, wallowing in grief.

None of you know what to do.

A crash echoes from the other room. “SHIT!” you hear from the kitchen. Dave spilled the last of the AJ.

_**here it comes.** _

“Come on dude what THE FUCK?!” You swear the only time the cool kid loses his cool is when apple juice is involved. I guess that means another trip to the city. Hopefully you can avoid this one as well, your humans aren’t too bad, other humans? No thanks. You sigh as Jade walks in the door with John, food in hand. “We’re back!” they announce together. Ectosiblings, it’s adorable. You feel the blood drain from your face as a certain word crossed your mind, a certain _team_.

_**Adorabloodthirsty…** _

Your head drops down into your hands and you breathe heavily as you remember the names of your old team, and the names of _them._ Terezi, Gamzee, Tavros, Vriska, Kanaya. Dead. You can’t see anymore and suddenly you feel faint. You look up and see Jade’s face before you realize you’re on the floor. She is lit with concern and you see John and Dave’s faces crowd around her. They are speaking to you but you don’t understand. You are carried to the couch and John brings you some water.

_did I just fucking faint?!_

“Karkat! Are you ok? What’s wrong?!” you register. Jade. “I’m fine” you muster, “I just haven’t eaten. It was only a little faint, don’t worry about it.” All three of them are silent as you stand up to get that damn sandwich. Dave stands in your way, hand on your chest.

“Sit down.” he says, seriousness turned on. All the way. You reluctantly sit and pout.

“what?” you bark.

“What is up with you? You’ve barely spoken to us since we’ve been here and when you do it all seems fake or like you're hiding something! I’ve seen you eat less than an apple before dinner and you've never fainted before, so what the fuck? We are your friends, why won’t you just trust us and tell us the truth?” John says, his eyes begging you to open up, to let them help you. You can tell he’s hurt, you’ve been lying to your best friend after all and he knows it.

_Weak._

_Broken._

_Nothing._

_You cant._

Cant drag them in, not with Rose like this too. Wait _shit_ now you see, Rose. You’re depressed. You’re susceptible to human sickness after all. You shouldn’t have been denying it to yourself. Different. Changed. You sigh and shake your head. “Nothing is up. I haven’t eaten, and im tired. Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.”

“That’s what I used to say...” Rose stood at the foot of the stairs. Face shallow and cold. She walked to the kitchen, grabbed a fruit cup and your sandwich. Back up she went. 

You looked at your friends in horror, hands trembling. They understood, _they knew._ Their sadness reflected your own and you couldn’t stand to look anymore. You ran to the back door, quick as lightning and bolted. You, Karkat Vantas ran as fast and as far as you could into the surrounding forest of the island. You heard the shouts behind you but you didn’t stop. When the voices were distant, you hid beneath a tree, hiding from the skies where they would be able to find you.

You cried, grief gripping you tight. The tears ran down your face and you blubbered like a stupid wriggler. The sobs shook and rattled your fleshy human body and made the hole in your chest ten times bigger. You lay down on the grass, pathetic and childish, shaking with each shuddering breath.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you just ran from your friends.

_**Coward.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, thats the end of two! i honestly dont know why but i love scenarios where the characters literally run from their problems. hopefully you guys liked it too :)
> 
> i also enjoyed making Karkat a Tumblr blogger.
> 
> -clover


	3. Do It For Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Karkat go grocery shopping...

You woke up in your bed the next morning, 3 chairs around you. Jade. Dave. John. Only two eyes were open. Beautiful green, rimmed with dark lush eyelashes. _sigh_ You realized how much your….affections for Jade had grown about a day or two after she started dating Dave 3 weeks ago. You noticed how the hole in your chest would get just a little bit bigger whenever you saw her napping with him, snuggled together amongst his pillows and smuppets. Pangs of anxiety would ripple through you at the sight of her. _Her_. Dave doesn’t know, you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him and you couldn’t bear telling John you’ve got a thing for his ectosister, regardless of your best bro status. Honestly, you wouldn’t doubt it if Rose knew, she fucking _sees_ everything. You force yourself to stop your inner monologue and stare into those concerned eyes, a face tinted with worry. 

“Talk to me Karkat.” 

Her voice is barely audible, the words soft on her lips.

The words stick in your throat and leave a bitter taste on your tongue. “I can’t.” you choke out. God this is so cliché. You groan in frustration with yourself, “I’m so pathetic, people die every day. I’ve seen it countless times so why is this time any different? I shouldn’t be like this, I- what’s wrong with me!?” your voice is so ragged it’s a wonder she can understand you. Jade runs her fingers through your familiar shaggy black hair as you sit up. 

“Survivors guilt.” Dave says, his shades hiding his awakened face. His next words hit you like a brick. “It was different before because it wasn’t just you that had lived, but this time….you were the only troll to survive. The only one of your session, the only one of your **people**. The game wasn’t fair, it was absolute hell, but it brought us together and you’ve just got to believe Terezi. Live on for **_them_**.

Your eyes were burning and your heavy breathing awoke John. He slowly pats your back with words of “Its ok,” and “Shoooosh.” despite having slept through the whole conversation. You knew he would be filled in later. 

You compose yourself once again and nod to Dave in agreement. 

You will make them believe you will try to get better. 

Maybe you can. 

You put your armor on once again. 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

“Yo. Come with me.” It’s dinnertime when Dave approaches you. Currently on tumblr, you groan out a simple “where?” in your grumbly voice completely unable to actually PAY ATTENTION or care about what exactly he wants. 

“Im breaking you outta here dude. You can’t just sit there all day, every day. Goddamn Karkat, we all spend time out of the house except you and Rose. Seeing as how if I go up there, she’ll glare the fuck out of me until I leave her alone, I’m taking you instead. We’re going grocery shopping, get your shoes on.” He grabs your arm and pulls you over to the front door just as you hear Jade reach the bottom of the stairs. 

“Are you guys ready?” she asks cheerfully, resting her hands on yours and Dave’s shoulders. Without waiting for an answer, she sends you through space in a green glow. You blinked, suddenly on the top of what Dave informed you to be his old apartment complex. 

_huh. so that’s how they go shopping…_

Your shopping companion whips out a human cellular device and “messages” Jade. 

> TG: were here  
>  TG: ill text you when were ready  
>  GG: Ok! Have fun, see you soon! :B

You both climb down the fire escape to the streets below. He guides you to the local food station, the human grocery store, and you walk in. Dozens of humans are walking around pushing carts filled with food and various items. You awkwardly grab a cart and follow suit, Dave pulling out a list of things you need. 

“Hygiene shit first,” he sighs. He leads you to an aisle lined with long rows of bottles. Your eyes glance over to a reddish one labeled “Cherry Red Rush” and you pick it up. You pop the cap and smell it, wondering if this is how you smelled to _her._

_”Terezi”_ you breathe, her name sweet on your lips. A look of sadness splays across Dave’s face. He reaches over and puts the shampoo bottle in the cart, snagging the matching conditioner without a word. You keep walking. Body wash, toothpaste, handsoap, stuff you can’t grow or hunt for. A box for Jade and Rose goes into the cart. Dave won’t tell you what it is; he says it’s a girl thing. You move on to the food aisle, passing various strangers to get there. They don’t even look at you, barely glancing your way. You’re one of them. 

_No, you arent._

You will never be human on the inside, not truly but…you can feel the troll slipping away. Suddenly, a glint of foil wrapping catches your eye. A puffy bag that reads “Fluffy Stuff Cotton Candy” hangs off a shelf. 

_holy shit._

_**HOLY SHIT** _

Your mind sparks and you grab it, ripping the top open. You take a deep breath, letting the sickly sweet smell wrap itself around you. 

“Ah, the troll delicacy. I told y’all we had it.” Dave chuckles as you toss five of them into the cart, including the open one of course. You shove him and maybe…smirk a little. Finally, something from home. 

You just wish you could’ve shared it with them. 

After Dave grabs the AJ and a few extra things, you go to the checkout. He hands the young woman a hundred dollar bill. 

“It’s a good thing all our boondollars turned into human currency or we would be poor as fuck.” you mumble. 

The cashier looked at you weird, almost like she was starstruck. She gave you a nervous smile while she scanned your items. Dave cleared his throat, took the receipt, and told you to grab the bags. You both walked back to the roof and he messaged Jade. While you waited for her to open the portal, you asked Dave what that girl’s problem was. 

“You’re” he starts, putting air quotes in this next part, “a sexy human. She was attracted.” 

He laughed his ass off at your expression and response of “EW”. You didn’t think you were attractive at all. You couldn’t even fill your quadrants as a troll, let alone a nasty ass human. A punch in your chest. 

_Gamzee_ . You couldn’t even keep your moirallegiance with him. 

You inhale sharply and muster up the strength to overlook that thought, proceeding to check yourself out. Attractive? You had black hair that stuck up in places like normal, pale slightly tanned skin with human “freckles” across your nose, and red irises. Bright red. You were average height, only a few inches short of Dave. You could feel two just barely noticeable bumps on your head where your horns were. They tingle occasionally but are relatively pointless. _ha, puns._

A green blur interrupted your thoughts and the kitchen and John appeared through it. Jade had made the portal. Dave started tossing the groceries to John who just _had_ to show off and float them onto the counter with his shitty windy powers. Dave walked into it and you followed, Jade closing the portal behind you. 

After putting everything away, you all dispersed. You grabbed a bag o’ delicacy and went back to Tumblr. John went upstairs with Dave and Jade went to check on Rose. She has to make sure she’s eating and… living. Your spine chilled at the thought. 

You were scrolling down your dash, reblogging a few things, when you came across a black and white GIF. It was of a human arm and it was…bleeding? The loop repeated and a blade cut across the arm, blood bubbling up through the wound. It cut again, and again, and again. The hole in your chest flared and you didn’t know why. 

“Jade!” you yelled. She ran down the stairs and you asked her what it was. 

“Karkat,” she said cautiously, “why are you looking at that?” 

You shrugged. 

“It’s cutting.” she whispered. 

You tilted your head at the answer; it was an unfamiliar concept to you. 

“Why do people do it?” you inquired. 

She took a deep breath before speaking again. You were treading dangerous waters with this topic. 

“It usually corresponds with depression so, for a lot of reasons. To feel something, to punish themselves, to distract them from their lives.” She trailed off. 

_depression_

“What about Rose?” you breathed. “She has the corresponding sickness…” Your heart dropped at the thought of her hurting herself. 

“I don’t know Karkat, I really just don’t know. I can’t bring myself to ask.” she said weakly, and you were silent for a while. She turned to you, grabbing your shoulders, and looked deep into your eyes. 

“Karkat, promise me you’ll never do this. I couldn’t bear the thought of you causing yourself more pain.” she begged. 

“I promise.” it sounded hollow. 

She kissed your forehead and went back upstairs. 

The hole got a little bit bigger. 

And you felt empty. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took absolutely forever, like i said, i've got up to chapter 10 written but typing it all is killer omg. Thank you all for reading!


	4. Nightmares and Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the part where you get to see why Karkat doesn't like going to sleep. Also, Rose feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: blood and stuff? i mean if youre here youve obviously disregarded the initial tags so idk be wary.

Screaming. 

You were screaming. 

This was a nightmare, and you, Karkat Vantas, were the star. 

Your friends surrounded you, their white eyes boring into your skin, their words cutting deep into you. 

“You weak piece of shit. Coward! How could you leave us?! You sick troll hybrid. You’re a disgrace.” 

“You should have died” 

“You are nothing.” 

The voices wouldn’t stop. _Their voices._

Each phrase was a lash against your skin, spat at your peach-colored flesh. You were on your knees, begging them to stop, choking out apologies and sobs, your tears strangling you. Blood started to seep through long gashes on your arms and legs. Jack Noir appeared behind you, wrapping his pointed tentacles around you like snakes. 

“You’re done, boy.” He said, voice warbling like a demon straight out of hell. 

Noise and darkness. Everything was so loud. You could hear yourself screaming “ **no** ”, screaming “ **stop** ”, but you were cut off by the pain. He dug his arms into your chest, stabbing a hole into you and burning everything with a white hot heat. The pain was blinding, excruciating, causing screams of agony to tear through your throat. You clawed at your chest, scratching, trying to get them out. 

“Karkat!” They all shrieked, their faces contorting in fury. 

You grunted and groaned in frustration, crying out again. 

“Karkat!” 

The voices started to fade. 

“KARKAT!!!” 

 

Jade was screaming.

 

Your body was shaking, your lungs burning, and your ears ringing. You opened your eyes, immediately blinded by light and tears. Blood was everywhere, all over you. Everyone was in your room, even Rose. John and Dave were pinning your arms down. You looked around frantically, your chest hurting with every breath. 

“It’s ok Karkat, calm down!” Rose cried, worry and fear in her eyes. 

You looked down. Blood covered your chest, huge scratches where Jack stabbed you. Where you were clawing with your pointed nails. Blood coated your hands and trickled through the scratches up your arms. 

You flipped shit. 

You couldn’t think. Screaming and screaming, ignoring the rasp in your throat. You shrieked and felt your body convulse, writhing under their hands. “ **GET AWAY FROM ME!** ” you roared. 

“Dave!” Jade shouted, “DO SOMETHING!” 

He let your arm go and raised his hands. 

 

_*blink*_

 

~~~~~~~~

 

You were all sitting in the kitchen. You couldn’t remember how you got from your bed to here. No wait. It’s happened a few times before. _Goddammit._

Dave had fast forwarded time. The bastard wasn’t supposed to do that. And now you’re trapped at this table, a circle of people around you. It wasn’t fair; you couldn’t run away this time. You looked down. You had bandages on your arms, gauze on your chest, and pain all over. The second you looked up, it came. 

“What. The FUCK. Happened.” You recoiled at the harshness of her words and the lack of anything close to the usual happiness in Jade’s face. You didn’t look up again, you couldn’t meet their eyes. You flinched when Rose put her hands on yours. _Fuck. She can **see.**_ She gasped and winced as she relived your dream. She let her hand drop as she tried to recompose herself. 

“I-”she stuttered, “It’s really bad guys, I don’t know what to do…..I don’t know how to help him…” She whispered. 

“I haven’t had a dream that bad since Alternia…Not even the meteor dreams were that painful.” You said, barely making any noise. 

“You still have the mind of a troll.” John concluded. As if that explained everything. 

Rose turned to you, elaborating. “While it is true that you have human body, your mind contains the thoughts, experiences, and intense emotions of a troll. Normal humans would die of an overload. We can handle it only because of our leveled up “God” statuses. It’s the only reason why I haven’t…”she trailed off. “…among other reasons of course. But you have the full brunt of it all flooding back to you, I…..I don’t know how we can stop it.” Their faces were grim. You weren’t some easy fix; normal human meds wouldn’t work on your tormented mind. After all, you weren’t a normal human. 

You racked your mind for anything that could help, “The only thing that used to keep the dreams away was sopor, but we don’t have any. Even if we did, what effect would it have on a human?” you nearly spat the last word. The fleshy bodies get pruny if they stay in fucking _water_ for too long, you couldn’t imagine what would happen after soaking in slime for a night. 

“Obviously you would die if you ingested it, going out in a speedy but equally horrible version of Gamzee’s meltdown. However, your nightmares would probably calm down if we submerged you in it, reminiscent of a recuperacoon. Ah, if we had one of those it would make life so much easier.” Rose sighed. 

“Can we alchemize one?” John asked, and in that instant, Jade’s eyes lit up. 

“My sylladex! I use the drawing pad! If Karkat can draw his old slime bed and create a ghost image, we could use the old alchiemeter!” 

_Of course_ you thought. After the game made your group home, it equipped it with a few constructs from the game, including the lathe, alchiemeter, punch, and cruxcruder - spriteless of course. They are currently living happy, dusty lives in the basement. The decision was made as everyone nodded in agreement. 

“Ok Karkat, draw.” Jade thrust the drawing pad at you and smiled. You strained to remember your old home; the memories just keep fading from your deteriorating mind. After finally completing a somewhat decent drawing, a ghost image of your recuperacoon appeared. 

“Perfect.” Rose chirped, only to darken a moment later. Her face fell as she dazed off numbly, receding to her room within minutes. _Kanaya, she must have been thinking of Kanaya…_ You sighed, it was nice to have seen Rose with some semblance of life again…

After that, everyone dispersed. Jade took the card downstairs, Dave helped you upstairs, and John decided to do some late night baking. It seemed to be his newfound way to cope with stress. At least you get to reap the benefits. The house smelled absolutely wonderful. ( You may or may not have gotten Dave to snag you some freshly baked chocolate squares.) About an hour later, your human bed was removed, and a troll bed was put in its place. You’re not gonna lie, it looked pretty sweet. Jade did an amazing job. 

You stripped down to you boxers and she helped you into the slime. It was perfect, soothing. It made the world fade away. You drifted off into a painless sleep. 

You didn’t dream. 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Screaming. 

Rose was screaming. 

Energy surged through you, the sopor slime taking effect, and you jumped out of your recuperacoon. You toweled yourself off and ran to Rose’s room in nothing but boxers, waving ‘I’ve got it’ to a sleepy eyed John. You burst through her door and wrapped her in your arms. 

“Shoooooooosh,” you soothed, gently papping her back. She held you tightly, sobbing and whimpering into your chest. You reached up to pet her hair, asking if she wanted to talk about it. She shook her head. 

“It’s Kanaya,” Rose whispered. “She keeps dying,” she paused, choking out the last words. “and I can’t save her.” You kissed her forehead, the powerful seer sounded so small. You could feel your heart flaring up and the barrier on your emotions breaking. Kanaya. You loved her, she was one of your best friends. You had even begun to consider moirallegience with her once. Kanaya, dead. It hurt the first time. It was unbearable the last. You really are just like Rose. You’ve seen her die, so many of them die. To be honest you probably would have had similar dreams if you had slept between her death and her revival, when you were watching Sollux. _No._

Sollux. You saw him die more than twice; four times, you couldn’t save him. You felt wetness on your cheeks, you hadn’t even been aware that you were crying again. _So weak._ Rose looked up at you and held your face in her hand. 

“Oh, Karkat. I’m so sorry, you’ve seen it too. You’ve seen so much more…” 

You gave her a sad sigh, “It hurts so much Rose…”

She wiped your tears with her thumb before brushing her own away. “I know Karkat, I know.” She kissed your cheek and you hugged eachother tightly, crying and hurting. You both ignored the three faces outside her door until they at last went away. You rocked her back and forth as she sniffled against you. 

“I miss them so much.” You whispered. You registered the shaking throughout your body and buried your face in her hair. 

_I’m sorry Rose …_

_I couldn’t protect her…_

_I failed._

You squeezed her tightly and laid her back down. She grabbed your hand and squeezed a silent ‘thank you’ before falling back asleep, exhausted. You went back to your room, barely containing yourself. You wanted to scream, to let everything, all of your emotions, **out**.

Throwing on some clothes, you ran downstairs and out of the house. It was somewhat warm and the air was tinged with the smells of the forest. It should have been comforting. It wasn’t. Your feelings were about to burst out of your chest in the form of verbal attacks that were definitely not appropriate at this hour. You ran. You ran until you couldn’t breathe and you kept going until you couldn’t move. You fell to your hands and knees. Sobs began to work their way into your panting. 

You cried out to nothing in rage, despair, and grief. 

“I’M SORRY! I’m sorry. Please. _Please_ , I’m so sorry! I should be dead too I know, **IM SORRY!** ” you screamed. The words ran into eachother, blurring until it was just sound in your ears. You reared back, lifting your hands to grasp at your hair in frustration before collapsing, your head hitting the dirt beneath you. 

“Please, make it stop.” 

You are too weak to move and once again lay in the forest alone. 

 

_please_

 

Nobody comes to find you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand thats the end of chapter four. i dont know, i really love the nightmare sequence and i seem to be increasingly more okay with Rose Karkat in this scenario. as always, thank you for reading and let me know your thoughts in the comments!
> 
> -clover
> 
> (p.s. yes i do actually have a tumblr, that last chapter was based on a gif i saw on my dash.)


	5. It's The End, Jade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You should really be careful when you go out alone on the island. Of all people, Jade should know better. This is why you don't leave the house without your gun darling.

It’s late morning when you get back home; you walk in only to see Dave and John frantically running around the kitchen. They opened cupboards and grabbed a slew of items. Gauze, soap, bandages, healing ointment, and sewing supplies.

Oh no.

You called out to them, “Guys, what’s going on?”

Dave whipped around. He took one look at you and flashstepped, effectively pinning you to the wall before you even had time to blink. 

“Dave, stop!” John yelled.

But Dave ignored him, choosing to instead ease his forearm against your windpipe.

“You literal piece of shit.” He spat, “Jade went looking for you this morning after your little wriggler fit.” his voice was dark, you’ve never seen him behave this way, it was terrifying. His expression made your stomach hollow, but not as much as what he said next. “She got attacked by a fucking bi-clops trying to find _you_.” 

**_no_ **

“So you know what? Next time you leave, **don’t** come back.” He turned and ran up the stairs, John close behind. You were frozen, you couldn’t move.

_No, no, not Jade._

You sprinted up the stairs. Everyone was in Rose’s room, crowded around her bed. Around the _body_ on her bed.

Blood.

Blood all over her.

Jade’s clothes were shredded on her skin. She was unconscious, blood rushing through the claw marks on her stomach and arms. Her face was swollen. Black and blue splotches covered her face and shoulders. Her glasses were on the table, cracked on each lens. You couldn’t breathe.

They were dabbing soapy water on her injuries, trying to keep them clean. None of them had the slightest bit of experience with healing this sort of trauma. Most of the game injuries were instant death and instant repair. It was a luxury they didn’t have now. The only thing you could hope for was her advanced healing, a perk of being God Tier. 

“We have to stop the bleeding! Put pressure around the cuts!” Rose shouted, you couldn’t just stand there. You began to rush forward, “What can I do to help?”

“NOTHING! YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING. YOU BARELY KNOW **SHIT** ABOUT YOUR OWN BODY.” Dave yelled, stopping you in your tracks. Rose took the healing ointment and applied it to Jade’s wounds, hands shaking. She was panicking, you all were. John was dressing her smaller cuts with gauze when he shouted. “Some of the bleeding has stopped! We have to close the wounds in order to get her healing to start!”

Dave handed Rose a needle and thread. “You can do it Rose,” he said, dropping his hands back to Jade.

“I use knitting needles Dave, this isn’t the same!” 

“Just do it! She doesn’t need it perfect, she just needs to be held together! Hurry Rose, she is losing too much blood!”

She started to stitch the wounds up on Jade’s arms while the other two cut the cloth off of her stomach. Once Rose had started on her torso, the boys began to bandage up Jade’s stitches. All three of them worked in tandem to save your friend. You couldn’t leave, you couldn’t do anything. You were useless.

~~~~~

It was late afternoon when they finished. You all stood around Jade, shocked and filled with adrenaline. Dave turned on you.

“You inconsiderate FUCK!” he lunged. His knuckles slammed into your face, pushing you to the floor. 

“I know! Okay? I know.” There was nothing else you could say.

He stopped and looked at you. His unshaded eyes pierced into your own. Red. They began to water.

_No, no Dave, please don’t cry._

He put his shades on.

“Get out.” He barked, to everyone. “Rose. Sleep in my room tonight.” He closed the door.

She walked with John to his room and you went to yours. Nobody slept that night. Nobody screamed. You heard whispers in the darkness, the chilling silence broken.

“What do we do Rose? What happens next, what do you see?” John’s murmurs floated into your room, followed by the Seer’s response. She sighed and sniffled.

“I don’t know. For the first time since the game, I can’t see this end.”

_This end._ You thought.

_My end._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So im really sorry this chapter is kinda short, the next one is gonna be a little short too. Its just the easiest way to put breaks in between important bits. As always, thank you so much for reading, constructive criticism and comments are always welcome.


	6. Letters To Say Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its time for Karkat to say goodbye to his friends.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you can’t live like this anymore. It’s not even living, not really. What part of your pathetic existence could even qualify as such? You keep putting your friends in danger, troll and human alike. 

 

_It’s your fault, it’s always your fault._

 

And now Jade is-

 

_Jade_

 

Hot tears streak down your face and fall into your recuperacoon.

Last night, you ran out into the forest. Last night, Jade was attacked by one of the island’s monsters. She was trying to follow **you.**

The others spent all day fixing her, tending to her wounds, trying to save her. Nobody has slept tonight, nobody can; everyone was reduced to anxiety ridden insomniacs in the span of 24 hours, kept up by worry and fear. Dave locked himself in Rose’s room and hasn’t left her side. Rose stayed in Dave’s room, eventually leaving to talk to John throughout the night. 

They haven’t said a word to you. 

 

_They **hate** you._

 

It was nearly morning when you got out of “bed”.

You began to write letters, your door closed, your hands shaking. Your breathing caught in your lungs as the words poured onto the pages. This would be your goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear John,

I’ve known you since before we even met. No matter how many times I told you to fuck off or trolled you, you always tried to bestow this human emotion of friendship upon me. Thank you for that, but I didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry I never gave you the friendship you deserved. You are and always will be my best bro. Thank you so much for everything you’ve taught me and thank you for making me feel like I was one of you.

I’m sorry John. 

Goodbye

Karkat

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Rose,

I know we weren’t all that close before, but you’ve done so much for me. I am so, so sorry I couldn’t protect her. Kanaya was my best friend and every day I wish I could’ve taken her place. Thinking back on that night where we sat together, I would have considered you my moirail. I still would. You cared for me and helped me when nobody else knew how to. Thank you so much, and please know that Kanaya loved you with all her heart.

Goodbye Rose

Karkat

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dave,

I’m sorry. You are one of my best friends and I never meant to put you through so much pain. It’s my fault Jade is injured and I’m so sorry. I am so sorry Dave. You don’t have to forgive me, I don’t deserve it. You were right, I’m pathetic and worthless and an inconsiderate piece of shit. Just know that I feel terrible about it all and I’m so fucking sorry for hurting you. You won’t have to worry about me fucking things up anymore. Take care of Jade.

Goodbye Dave

Karkat

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Jade,

I’m so sorry. I’ve caused you so much pain and put you through so much. It’s all my fault, it should have been me. You’ve cared so much about me and I never showed you how much I care about you. I love you Jade, with all my heart. I wish I could have told you that. Thank you for giving me the chance to love again. And thank you for loving me- even if only platonically. It’s more than I could have ever asked for. I am so sorry Jade. Please be safe, please be okay. 

Goodbye

<3 Karkat

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You finished writing your letters, folding them up and placing them on your desk, name face up. John, Rose, Dave, Jade. You listened to the house, listened to make sure nobody would come in. You heard Rose knock on her bedroom door, telling Dave to take a shower. You heard his footsteps as he left the room for the first time since yesterday. In ten minutes, he would be out of the shower. In ten minutes, you would be gone.

You went into your closet, digging for a memory, for the past you’ve hidden away for months now. You splayed your hands out, reaching. You felt it, old and worn, soft between your fingers with a faded grey symbol on its front. Your old shirt. The one you wore as a troll and for a short time, as a human. You brought the garment to your face and inhaled, breathing in the smell of Alternian cloth and the faintest tinge of red cherries. The black fabric had been weathered and stained , speckled with blood from the last battle. Teal. Red. Mustard. Jade. Indigo. A myriad of colors, a tragic reminder.

You put the shirt on, feeling the warmth of Alternia, a lost planet. You reached for the box in the very back of your closet, pulling it forward and opening the lid. Everything that remained in your sylladex when you crossed over. Tears fell onto the dragon staff as you looked in. Your eyes jumped to the weaponized lipstick tube. Terezi and Kanaya. You ran your hands over the various items you recovered from the meteor. Broken glasses, a snapped wand held together with a ring, a pair of goggles. 

Your face grew hot and you smiled. 

The cat eared hat. 

You rubbed the blue fabric between your fingers, shaking with guilt as you remembered the girl who loved you. 

“Nepeta” you whispered, her name catching in your throat.

You removed five items from the box and set them aside. 8 fluorite dice, a crab sickle, a dragon staff, a lipstick tube, and your forever loyal Homes Smell Ya Later sickle. Getting up, you placed the weapons of the human’s patron trolls under each letter. At least you can still try to keep them safe. Your human friends will be able to protect themselves.  
You took your loyal sickle and captchalogued it, leaving your room for what would be the last time. Leaving your room as a **troll.**  
You heard the shower stop as you walked into Rose’s room.

 

_Quickly, Karkat. You can do it._

 

You walked over to Jade and kissed her forehead, hastily turning and leaving the room.

“John, there’s something for you on my desk.” You yelled before you could stop yourself. You don’t know why you did it. Maybe you knew by the time he got to you it would be too late. Maybe a part of you still wanted to be saved. Either way, you were gone.

Dave came from his room with wet hair and clean clothes, immediately going to Jade. John walked into your bedroom. You stepped onto Jade’s transport pad.

 

You have three minutes.

 

_**Transportalize.**_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! (five days late but lets not dwell) i hope you all had a wonderful holiday so i can ruin it with sadstuck.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! Comments, critiques, and crying are always welcome.
> 
> -clover
> 
> (p.s. Just a warning, this is the chapter before the shitstorm occurs.)


	7. Three Minutes Until The Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perspectives change between three different people, but in the end, its just you and I, defying gravity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning because holy shit this is the one. This is the chapter where all those aforementioned triggers come in. Be wary and read with caution. Thank you.

You teleported into Jade’s room with a stiffness in your back. _Three minutes._ You removed the sickle from your sylladex and held your breath, walking shakily to the window. Jade always kept it open. You stepped onto the ledge, holding the wall for balance.

_Breathe Karkat, deep breaths. This will all be over soon. You’re going to be with them again._

You held your left arm out and pressed the sickle against your pale skin, dragging the sharp blade-like edge up your arm; the thin flesh parting along the veins. A thin sigh of relief slipped past your lips as blood began to drip and pool on the sill beneath your feet. You switched hands and moved the sickle to your right arm, cutting through the fragile skin and matching the deep gash on the left. You tossed the loyal weapon out the window, hearing it land with a thud on the grass several seconds later. Dizziness gripped you as you looked at the mess, you never could stand the sight of your own blood, especially now. 

_Of course,_ you thought, _**From my veins will drip his miracles.**_

You laughed dryly and reached into your pocket, clenching the shriveled horns tightly within your fist. The last piece of a troll named Karkat Vantas. 

You whipped around, wide eyed, as you heard a body port into the room behind you, followed by a scream.

 

“Karkat NO!”

 

John. He was crying, gasping through the sobs at the sight before him. He stretched his arm out towards you, unable to move.

“Please no, please, oh god you’re bleeding, don’t jump Karkat pleasecomedownpleaseno…..” 

His pleas turned to frantic blubbering and the words faded in your ears as your lips moved in reply.

 

“I’m sorry John,” you spoke to the wind. “I can’t do this anymore. _**This is what I deserve.**_ ”

 

You felt the dampness on your cheek as you turned back around.

 _I’ve been crying way too much lately,_ you thought bitterly.

 

**No more.**

 

You looked down at the scenery below you, the distance you were about to cover. It was time to fly.

 

Your name was Karkat Vantas. You were a troll.

 

Now you are human. Now you are weak.

 

_I was always weak._

 

The last tear fell as John lunged at you.

 

You jumped.

###### End of Karkat’s POV.

Your name is John Egbert and-

_oh god._

_**oh no.** _

_**no no no no no** _

Your best friend just left you a suicide note.

You stood frozen in his room for mere seconds after reading it, feeling as if the world had stopped revolving, as if time was as stiff as your body currently felt.

 

_this can’t be happening._

 

Shrieks erupted from your throat as you bolted out of the room, “KARKAT! KARKAT NO! DAVE HELP!”

You were screaming at the top of your lungs, launching yourself onto the transportalizer and feeling the zap of green energy whisk your body to the bedroom sitting high above the house. You took in the sight before you and within three seconds, your entire world came crashing down. 

The first thing you saw was blood. Blood dripping down long arms through long gashes, blood covering a clenched fist and a slit wrist, blood covering the skin of your best friend who was standing on the highest ledge in your shared house. 

 

 _this was a nightmare._

 

He had turned around at your entrance, meeting your gaze with tear stained cheeks and a weak smile. The air that had always been there for you had now abandoned your lungs as you struggled to breathe. You were screaming, the rawness in your throat the only indication that you were anything but silent. The words were only a constant roar in your ears, his name among pleas and cries gracing your lips. You could no longer see, your vision impaired by the relentless tears cascading down your face. Again you were faced with an inability to move, the paralysis-like torture leaving you helpless against the idea of death which had so easily gripped the mind of your best friend. Coherent thoughts had escaped you, your pleas reduced to blubbering. Where was Dave?

Karkat was still facing you when he spoke.

His words carved through your confusion, your senses becoming crystal clear as they honed in on the sounds that sliced through your indistinguishable sobbing. Your breath caught in your throat as you attempted to comprehend his speech.

“I’m sorry John,” he whispered. “I can’t do this anymore. This is what I deserve.”

He turned back around as your heart shattered, the world slowing down yet again. You wanted to tell him that he was wrong, grab him, hug him, and reassure him that he was never a burden to anyone, but your body wouldn’t listen. Your throat had glued shut, denying air and preventing noise.

_Move, John._

 

_**MOVE!** _

 

You lunged at him, seeing only a single tear before your best friend had disappeared over the ledge of the window. 

Gone.

 _ **”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”**_ you bellowed, diving out the window as your mind registered the sound of the transportalizer activating again. You thrust your hand out, wrapping the wind around Karkat, trying to save him but…

you were falling.

You were falling and you couldn’t stop yourself.

The power of the wind wasn’t enough, _you_ aren’t enough.

_Im not strong enough_

You were both going to die.

_**Together.** _

Your name is John Egbert and you are determined to either miraculously save your friend or die by his side. You reached towards him, throwing as much strength and power over the wind as you could and-

 

nothing.

 

No movement, no sound. 

Karkat stopped moving, the blood ceasing its rapid release from his veins. The wind was motionless and you were frozen. Reality seemed to twist as your mind disconnected from your stationary body, the pulse in your heart and the breath in your lungs becoming a distant concept. Your sight became a fixed point as you found your eyes unable to move and the silence that pushed against your eardrums was unnatural. The situation was surreal, your bodies in suspended animation a great distance from the ground below.

A gasp echoed in your thoughts.

You know what happened.

Dave was the one you heard behind you.

Dave is the one who saved you.

 

Time had stopped.

###### End of John's pov

Your name is Dave Strider and-

_ahhhh, that’s a nice shower._

Nothing worked through the constant tension in your back like the hottest temperature of your shower, especially at times like this, when you just can’t seem to get warm. You washed your pale skin, watching as the water turned red at your feet, holding your breath as Jade’s blood ran down your fingertips.

_That selfish. Fucking. Asshole. _you thought, angrily grumbling to yourself. You swung your fist at the wall, almost wishing the tiles would give way.__

_running away like a fucking **coward**._

You hit the wall again, almost feeling the side of your hand bruise.

_why doesn’t he just TALK TO ME?!_

You pulled your hand back, preparing to swing again.

 

_doesn’t he trust me?_

 

You let your arm drop to your side, a numbness washing over you. You sigh and breathe deeply, letting the warm tendrils of steam wrap themselves around your body. You wish he’d just talk to you, it’s not like you couldn’t relate, not like you weren’t continuously tormented by the nightmares too. You were constantly plagued by the unrelenting visions of dying Daves worming their way into your subconscious, made worse by the fact that they were forever paired with the overwhelming feelings of sadness, guilt, and regret. You’ve been hiding your emotions since you could say the word “ironic” and it’s never been a problem…until now. Toxic visions mixed with the trauma of the last battle,

_he wasn’t the only one who watched them die._

__3 years is a long time, they had become your friends too…and it hurt you just as much when they fell. Didn’t he understand that? All of you were there for him, it’s not like you didn’t have the same shit going on as he did._ _

But _nooOOOOooOoo_ he’d rather be a whiny bitch and deal with it himself even though all 5 of you could have benefited from a cliché group therapy session. Your anger flared up again. He’d rather run the fuck away and get your all-too-caring girlfriend maimed looking for him. 

__You feel a fog roll over your eyes and you know it’s not from the steam. Rage was surging through you, tears pricking your eyes as you dropped to a crouch. You squeezed your eyes shut, forcing yourself to calm down, willing yourself not to break your hand for a third time since you’ve been on this godforsaken island._ _

_I should have been with her…It’s my fault too._

__Standing up, you turn off the shower and pull back the curtain, cold air whisking its way into the stall. You quickly wrap yourself in a towel to dry off._ _

_fuck that’s brisk_ you swear, throwing on some clothes. 

__You opened your door and started towards Rose’s room sans glasses, proudly sporting a pair of red, puffy eyes. You heard a voice in the hallway and watched as Karkat called out to John and began moving towards the stairs. Frankly, you couldn’t give a single shit about what they were doing. You stepped into Rose’s room, nodding to John as he entered…Karkat’s room?_ _

_huh? that’s… weird._

__The transportalizer activated the moment you sat down with Jade._ _

_What the actual fuck?_

_**Where the fuck does he think he’s going?!**_

__You held Jade’s hand between your two, clenching your teeth as you thought to yourself._ _

_relax Dave, just stay with Jade, it will be fine_

____Silently resigning to kick his ass later, you stayed in your chair, relaxing your jaw and enjoying the quiet. That is, until the temperature suddenly dropped. The air was still and cold as realization crept over you. Your stomach fell and you were filled with dread._ _ _ _

____ _ _

_That only happens when-_

____ _ _

_John._

____ _ _

____John was shrieking._ _ _ _

____“KARKAT! KARKAT NO! STOP! **DAVE HELP!**_ _ _ _

____You heard the zap of the transportalizer as your entire body went ridged. Your brain was muddled with confusion as your limbs became flooded with adrenaline. You didn’t know what was going on, but nothing mattered. Your best friend needed you._ _ _ _

____You flashstepped to the door, halting to a stop when you heard your name again, from behind._ _ _ _

____“Dave?” the voice behind you croaked._ _ _ _

____You whipped your head around and back, screaming as you did._ _ _ _

____“ROSE!”_ _ _ _

____She was already running towards you._ _ _ _

____“Dave! Dave you have to go! HURRY! **KARKAT’S GOING TO JUMP!** ” she screamed, terrified and frantic, panic seeping into her voice._ _ _ _

____You flashstepped to the transport pad, hearing Jade’s voice before you dematerialized._ _ _ _

“Rose? What’s wrong?”

 

_Zap_

 

The second you ported into the room you saw a flash of blue shoot out the window.

_**HOLY SHIT.**_

____Running to the ledge, you had only a moment to take in the scene before you._ _ _ _

____Blood all over the window sill, Karkat falling and John flying after him, a sickle on the ground far below your feet. You held your breath as you watched John speed through the air trying to slow down Karkat’s lifeless body, but something was wrong._ _ _ _

Falling,  
they were _both_ falling. 

____Your mind clicked as you realized._ _ _ _

_It’s too much, they’re too fast…_

John wasn’t strong enough, he couldn’t stop Karkat from dropping without falling out of the sky himself, but he was _still trying_

_**they’re both going to die**_

_**NO.**_

____You inhaled sharply, focusing immediately, and blinked, thrusting your hands out beside you. You strained to focus through your exhaustion, mind very nearly failing to comprehend what you’ve just done._ _ _ _

____You released the sore breath in your lungs as you leaned out the window to see your friends frozen in place. The air was still, tendrils of wind no longer whipping about. The world was silent._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____You had stopped time._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____You steadied yourself, overwhelmed by the surge of power you haven’t used in a very long time. It was different the other day, when you were just going forward. It was quick and easy, marked only by the striking sense that time had been altered and the countless memories of everything that happened between point a and point b._ _ _ _

____Time was so strange, so abstract yet guarded by rules and technicalities. Only time players can remember alterations as a chronological moment in their life; god tiers of other aspects only remember it as a dream, a foggy recollection of something that happened in the blink of an eye._ _ _ _

The sheer confusion Karkat must’ve felt…it makes you feel _**awful.**_

That kind of power takes a toll on everyone, yourself included. You learned that in the game. _Only for emergencies_ you had promised yourself.

_Why is there always an emergency?_

You stepped off the ledge, floating down to your friends. Even though you were moving faster than the speed of time, you hurried. You knew what it was like for the rest of them, it was a **_nightmare._** You hated putting them through it, Karkat would be fine but the others? Jade, Rose, John. They were in hell right now and it was all because of you. 

____They knew what was happening, how could they not? Their minds were unfrozen, but their bodies…._ _ _ _

Their bodies were _paralyzed_

____The lack of vibrations causing a horrifying silence, the stillness of the eye causing a slow fade of vision._ _ _ _

____You wouldn’t wish it upon Lord English himself._ _ _ _

_yes you would_

____The second you reached John, you grabbed his hand, saving him from enduring another second of the black silence. The others would have to wait.  
The thought nearly ripped your heart in half._ _ _ _

____You released his hand, watching him fall a few inches before catching himself. He looked up at you, sad eyes piercing right into your soul. It was enough to make the barrier you had on your tears crumble into dust._ _ _ _

“Dave….” He whimpered “Karkat just-….he…” his words died in his throat as his face crumpled. You grabbed him up in a hug, shooshing his cries and holding him to you. Shudders and sobs tore through his thin stature and you struggled to keep your composure. When _John_ cries, you know it’s bad. He’s the only one who can suppress his feelings nearly as well as you. 

_Karkat just-…he…_

____The words echoed in your mind._ _ _ _

_Karkat just tried to kill himself._

____No emotion, you can’t._ _ _ _

_My fault, this is my fault. I shouldn’t have-_

____You dropped your walls._ _ _ _

____You, Dave Strider couldn’t give a FUCK about images right now. You buried your face into John’s shoulder, thinking about how the other two probably felt the same way and letting all the pent up emotion release itself in these few seconds of utter despair._ _ _ _

____You were both at a loss, unsure of what to do or how to proceed. This was new; the enemy has never been internal. You can’t fix the thoughts inside someone’s mind._ _ _ _

____“What do we do John? What do we do?”_ _ _ _

____He pulled away, looking up at you and shaking his head._ _ _ _

____“I- I don’t know.”_ _ _ _

____He took your hand and pulled you both down to where Karkat’s body remained, frozen in time._ _ _ _

____You looked at him, noticing how his facial features were relaxed and filled with a bittersweet tranquility. He looked so peaceful, so accepting of this fate. The grace in which he fell made him look like he was flying. His eyes were closed and his hair framed his face in odd angles from the invasive wind, but he was smiling._ _ _ _

____Blood from his arms had swirled up around him, caught by the gusts and caging around his body. You noticed the horns gripped tight in his fist and the black shirt he was wearing. He wasn’t even crying-tearstains on his face old and dried. He wanted this._ _ _ _

____He wanted to die._ _ _ _

____You stared at his grin, only realizing you were shaking when you felt John’s hand on your shoulder._ _ _ _

____“What do we do?” you whispered again, gears in your head turning as you realized the inevitable._ _ _ _

____It was crazy and illogical, dangerous even, but you couldn’t do this. Not again,_ _ _ _

_**not Karkat.**_

____You drifted out of John’s reach, knowing he would hate it._ _ _ _

____Your movement startled him and he looked at you, eyes wide. A moment later and his expression changed._ _ _ _

____He knew what you were thinking, and he didn’t like it._ _ _ _

You brushed aside the warning in his face and said it to the air.

 

“We have to go back.” you said.

____ _ _

____“We have to go back in time.”_ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Im sorry this took nearly a year to update, hopefully the length can make up for it a little bit :D Thank you all for sticking through the hiatus. As always, constructive criticism and comments are much appreciated. Let me know what you think! 
> 
> -clover


	8. (Side Note from the Author)

Hey guys! 

So i know its been forever since the last update for this story and since then, Homestuck has officially ended. The question now remains of, is anyone still following this story? I understand that many of the readers of this fic probably lost interest somewhere between the extensive hiatus between chapters and the actual conclusion of our beloved webcomic, however if desired, i can upload the remaining chapters (3 or 4) and end this fanfiction. The other option is posting the main plot points in a similar "fill-in-the-blank" style as the end of act 7 where the readers decide all the unspoken details. (sort of a cop-out really on my end, i'd prefer not to) Interestingly enough, the way Homestuck actually ended and the way this fic is destined to end are very similar in plot.

At least 20 people have bookmarked this story so i know at least that many will see this update, hopefully more. Im also going to apologize for leaving the story off on such a big cliff-hanger, i admit, it was kind of a dick move. (but then again, who writes sadstuck that isnt? its literally stories for the sole intention of kicking people in the feels. just saying.)

Let me know in the comments below if youre still following this fic and if you would like the remaining chapters to be posted. 

Whether youre done with this fic or want to see more, i'd like to thank you for being along for the ride, however long it was. Your kudos is the reason this fic was able to come to life and the reason i had the confidence to keep posting. I have truly loved reading every comment on each chapter and seeing how my writing actually made people feel. This fic is for you guys.

Hope you all have a great day and i look forward to your replies.

Thank you,  
-Clover


	9. The Seer's Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All sophistication is left behind in the face of love. The journey to the past and the reunion everyone has been waiting for.

 

“No.” John said.

 

The former leader’s stern glare pierced through you as he immediately shut you down.

“Absolutely not. It’s too dangerous, we barely made it out of there the first time and you want to go back? Can you even handle the amount of energy it would drain from you? Jesus Fuck Dave are you out of your mind?”

You took a sharp breath as you searched for an answer. “At this point? Yes.”

You choked out a half crazed laugh. Humorless. “I can’t do it John. Not Karkat. I literally cannot do it. How are we supposed to explain to the others what happened? How are we supposed to tell Jade that Karkat jumped out her fucking window while she was asleep? I can’t have anyone else’s blood on my hands; I can’t let anyone else die.”

You looked down at your friend, frozen and bloody before your mind screamed at your eyes to turn away. John considered your words, unconsciously mimicking your actions while doing so.

You watched as he floated down to Karkat, angling himself to look up at his face. He pressed a hand to his cheek before rising up to meet you. “Let’s go inside and get the girls. We shouldn’t decide this on our own.”

As you left Karkat behind, you felt an overwhelming sense of dread in your stomach. What were you going to say to them? How were you going to explain why you threw them into darkness?

 

_How can I apologize for not keeping him safe?_

 

Placing a hand on their shoulders, you unfroze Jade and Rose, flinching as Rose slapped her hand against yours, immediately replaying everything you saw since she screamed for you to go. She clasped her fingers across her mouth, words evading her. You could barely hear John telling Jade what happened through the roaring in your ears.

 

_shit_

 

The consequence of using your powers to stop time was the searing pain ripping through your mind, reminding you of the price you pay to fuck with the timeline. While your friends continued to discuss the dangers of going back, you had already begun formulating a plan. There couldn’t be any sacrifice this time. If you were going back, everyone would have to be saved. It’s the only way you could really win. This was a loss; you just couldn’t see it until it was too late. You wont make that mistake again.

You couldn’t afford to wait any longer, abruptly cutting off the conversation in front of you.

“Okay look. What if we used the dream bubbles? Lord English will have shattered enough space to bridge the bubbles together with reality. We could get all of the tiered players together. Start with space and time, freeze and move him as far away from the battlefield as we can so we have the time to come up with a real plan.” You tried to ignore the desperation in your voice. It was crazy and illogical but you couldn’t think otherwise.

 

_no more death_

 

_I cant handle any more death…_

 

 

you would break.

 

 

“Is it the only way?” Rose asked, though she already knew the answer.

“There’s nothing more we can do for him here.” John said, the tightness in his throat straining his words.

You locked eyes with Jade as she sat up on the bed, face grim.

“I’d rather die trying to save them than live knowing that we could’ve done more.” Her words rang out strong and clear as she pulled your hand into hers.

John looked at you, eyes burning with an intensity you hadn’t seen in a long time.

 

“Take us back.”

 

~~~~~

The second John’s words clicked in you mind, you unfroze time, immediately rewinding. You closed your eyes and breathed slowly as you felt the essence of time moving around you.

 

_time is alive_

 

You opened your eyes.

 

It was 8 hours before the final battle, the final plan of attack being discussed by those who were still alive after their games ended. You locked eyes with your three friends, making the silent decision to act as if nothing had happened.

Honestly, you should have known that wasn’t going to fly.

 

_shit._

 

~~~~~

_Kanaya._

 

 

_**Kanaya.** _

 

 

Your name is…?

 

It doesn’t matter what your name is because the only thing you can think about right now is _her._

 

_Kanaya_

Your face is wet and a distinct lump is forming in your throat but your body feels distant because all you can sense is that she is _alive._

 

_Kanaya_

 

Everything stopped.

 

Your name is Rose Lalonde and the second you returned to the past the only thing you could think about was the one thing that you realized you couldn’t live without.

 

And she was right in front of you.

 

You leapt at your girlfriend, gripping her in the tightest hug you could manage and cherishing the surprised and accented sound of her voice as she asked you what was wrong. You shuddered against her thin frame, never wanting to let go, knowing what it was to be without her. You relished in the way she said your name and ignored all other voices around you.

 

Nothing mattered more than her.

 

_Kanaya_

 

She was yours forever.

 

_Kanaya_

 

You looked at her.

 

You memorized every aspect of her face, commemorating every detail, storing it away for safekeeping. The slight bend of her horns, the little pieces of hair that stuck up in arbitrary places, the two sharp points that contrasted against perfectly applied lipstick. She is everything to you.

 

She is your one.

 

And she always will be.

 

_Kanaya_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! i actually ended up splitting this chapter in half bc i felt bad posting that last little message and then taking a long ass time getting the update posted so here is the first half with the tiny inclusion of some rosemary and dave realizing he cant actually do shit to control rose bc let be honest, who can? (hooray for run on sentences) im going to try and post regularly enough that its at least once a month but might be able to push a few out every 3 weeks or so idk. as always, constructive criticism and comments are always welcome! 
> 
> thank you for reading! 
> 
> -clover


End file.
